Today we keep Charis up until 11 PM and wake her up in the morning at 5 AM. We have to be at CHKD at 7:30 am to begin the preparations for the EEG. Brian is taking the late shift and I'm on early in the morning.
I've been trying to place how I feel during this time. I almost have been feeling numb, like it's not real. I know God is in control. I don't doubt that. I know God can heal Charis and that the doctor's may do the tests and say there is nothing wrong. I know that they may see something now, and see a miraculous healing later. But I also know that as her mom, I don't want this to be real. How often do I think "Here am I Lord, send me!" And then in the same breath, "...but don't mess with my kids!"
I think the whole neuro thing scares me in general. Broken legs, sprained ankles, stitches, no problem. When they start talking "brain," your mind wanders. So, I'll be honest. I'm scared. She's my baby. No one wants to see their baby sleep-deprived, hooked up to brain monitors in the hospital. Yet I know this could be the pathway God has chosen to bring glory to Himself.
When Brian told me this quote by CS Lewis, I cried. I was having trouble with this. How can I trust God but still be scared? How can I know He's in control but feel anxious?
“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be”
And that describes me perfectly. Again, thank you Lord. You even knew I was anxious about this, and you led Brian to that quote.
You have a prayer warrior here in Troy, Al! I found your blog through Babywise Board.
ReplyDeleteOur God is a big God! He is strong enough to take our anxiety and fears. He just asks that we bring them and lay them at His feet! I know He will strengthen you!! Keep us posted on Charis! If you need anything- send a message my way!
God Bless
Ada
(Chloe_Mae's_Mama)